Oh do come in...

                                                the new place.

God is breaking down my idealistic idea of adulthood.

samuel barber

simply a genius. this is the most profoundly inspiring and beautiful classical work. something about it. i have always loved it, i will never stop loving it. it will never cease to pull on my heart. i remember i when i first heard this on strings, a quartet only ten or so rows ahead of me, i wept it was so beautiful. singing this work was another incredible experience. so powerfully emotive. i wonder what he was thinking. what he was feeling when he wrote this.

pomegranites

little kernels of rich sweet goodness. the color alone is simple astounding. deep and rich. just like the taste. its what i always hoped wine to taste like. fancy. decadent. pomegranites lift so many wonderful memories out of the shadows. friends from past places. the strange old man who grew them across the street. the birth of my elitism. India. wonderful memories that are strung along in my throughout my life. consciousness string along. delightful. just like today.

my mantra

breathe

pencils fly, my mind reels and triple checks everything. I call Robin every hour. on the hour. until she give me the information i need about my voluteer hours. no success yet.
Graduate School here we come.

...hopefully.

.yellow.

no sleep last night. the gorgeous weather has held out for another day. emotions run high and focus low on days like these. but oftentimes my senses are heightened is such a beautifully brilliant way. colors pop. music dances and flows. the thoughts are gone from my exhausted mind and I simply get to experience the world the way it is. fall is in full swing. the yellows an reds are especially vibrant today. leaves. bright specs of color that flash on the wind. and skitter across the ground. music wraps around my weary body, soothing the frayed ends of my spirit, lifting them ever so slightly. i've tucked myself away on a couch in the corner of a coffee shop, spiced apple chai cooling next to me. this day might turn out to be worthwhile after all.

afternoons.

sunday afternoon. rain trickling down my window. the cloudy sky gives my room a dimly lit homely feeling, the warm glow from my lamp filling the room. i feel cosy as i study for my psych test tomorrow eating a freshly picked golden delicious apple. and as i sit here on my bed, in my room, in my apartment. and i feel at home.

mornings.

5 am. this is when i wake up on wednesday and friday. oh and 6 am. the other days. needless to say i have some pretty early classes this semester. but as small as that number is. 5. my mornings have been different from the past. not a morning person didnt even begin to explain how mornings and i got along before. but i am finding this starting to change, and while the getting out of bed is hard. after that. the morning is quite enjoyable. and i am seeing and feeling things that i missed out on while i was sleeping away my mornings.

eating breakfast. my current favorite. maple and brown sugar miniwheats.

driving over the illinois river bridge facing the sunrise.

and by far my favorite. walking outside in the dawn. when the light is soft, and the air is that cool crisp fall temperature. condensation has beaded up on all the cars, it is quiet. and its like i'm about to sneak off onto some big great adventure. possibilities. the morning is full of them.

ahh. mondays. a totally different meaning.

Mondays. They are my new favorite day. I get to wake up later than usual. I have a little more time to get ready, today i got to sit and eat breakfast and make myself coffee and actually read for a moment. just a pause. it was a delight. my class, adulthood and aging, is becoming fun. Its always 90% discussions, and not theological debates, or philisophical questions, or people competing to look smarter than each other, or to prove how smart they are. but laughing and telling stories, all these people have experiences. all i have is knowledge. its nice to enjoy both aspects. its nice to start feeling in place there. Also, the big perk of mondays, is that Jill doesnt work. So i get to hang out with her. Today we're studying/writing/reading at kade's. This is my new favorite place. Its nice to have found a nice place in a new city. Today i chose to settle into a place that i normally wouldnt sit. typically i like to be secluded off in a corner, away from all the traffic in and out, from the noise and distractions. not in the heart of the coffee shop. but today. I am sitting facing it all. I have a great view of the barista. His hands just seem to dance, so fluid in the practiced movements, they work on their own, he doesnt pause to think, doesnt set anything down. and all the while interacting with each customer, some friends, some new, but its almost hard to tell which is which. everything about him seems natural. you can tell he's been doing this for years, such experience, and almost finesse. its such a joy to watch. i think that i wish my life could be like that, that i could do all the right movements, be a part of this beautiful dance, and not even have to pause to think, to just know how things go. to just do what is right. to just know the next step. but i guess right now. I'm just learning the steps. but all in all. today my heart feels light. i feel more natural and confident than usual. like i just made a breakthrough in learning the song, hearing the beats, making my feet move right. its a good day.

new hat.

how fitting. a new hat, equaled to a new mindset. After long days of being reclusive, feeling sorry for myself, and generally feeling lost i've decided i've had enough. I came to illinois for an adventure. a new chapter. to learn and to grow. not to sit in my apartment and hide, not to be bashful about my intelligence in class, and not be be this young wavering shakey girl. Its time to get assertive, to remember who i am. or perhaps to redefine it. goals need to be set, projects need to be planned, friendships need to be make, books read, and journals need to be extensively written in. I am at a beginning, a crossroads and an end. but whatever i do. and where ever i am. I want to go confidently, do things wholeheartedly and with purpose. It is with this outlook i want to go into the rest of my week and on. so it is with a new hat, a new book, and a new journal i begin again. i sort through the mess, and wind up the ends.

title

this morning I made incredible coffee, and snuck off to the beach with my books and my journal. I chose a place slightly secluded. a porch swing behind our motel. I love finding little spots like this. It looked onto the beach and the waves, but kept me away from all the people. I just sat there, swinging. with the wind drying my hair. book in my lap and coffee in my hand. Velvet elvis, i suggest it to everyone, rob bell is a genius. I love days like this. its amazing the power of a good book, a good cup of coffee or a good song. it just lightens the soul.

security is mostly a superstition. it does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. - helen keller i like this, and i dont like it. but it made me think.

boxes

Yesterday i bought moving boxes. Ten brown cardboard boxes, 5 small, 5 medium, into which all of my things will go, carefully chosen, carefully wrapped. Off to a new home. MY home. I'm about to embark on a big adventure. Halfway across the country. i look forward to the hours of driving. just me and my brown cardboard boxes. the open road stretching in front of me. Starbucks in my cup holder, my Ipod working hard. its almost an active representation of my transition. from child to adult. from cities to cornfields. flat. wide open spaces. where a girl can breathe. I feel like my heart will finally be at home. i can't wait to walk barefoot in that midwest dirt. to a small town. to cornfields. to a place with communities. the land of new beginnings. i can't wait.

a little is enough

today was one of those days. Started off a little rough and really nothing spectacular happened, but all the little things lined up just right. The clothes i wore today were old, but just felt so right. My favorite pair of jeans with the hole on the butt that i turned into paint pants so i wouldnt wear them again, a green paint stain on the thigh. old loafers, stained blue on account of my addiction to blue jeans. my soft white tank top, and a new happy white patterned t-shirt. These clothes made me happy and confident today, the way they were used to my body, how worn and loved they were. its amazing the little things that we are comforted by. I went to borjo to get out the house today, its been a little frustrating to be there recently. I parked far away to avoid the meters and to walk a little, it was a nice day. My bag slung over my shoulder, hoodie in hand. It seems i'm never without one, they AC everywhere to death in the summer. And i just sat there, and talked and skyped. fiddling with my new computer. eating a warm brownie. reading. reflecting. I love it there. its been good for my soul recently. coffee houses typically are. I took up my bible study again today, one that my dear friend and i started during the semester. It was so refreshing to be back in the word like that. So good to read things i would overlook. To write things down that i would easily forget. Its so easy to read a chapter of the bible and forget about it, its so easy to be lazy about it. But it is so much more wonderful this way. To sit down and take the time and to let ourselves be challenged by it. To write and to talk about it. discussing our thoughts with each other. it is incredible and powerful. everytime. why dont we do this more? I went to starbucks with friends, talked about my future plans, got some free coffee. ate a blue icee pop. Went to a chick flick that they didnt enjoy. but i did. Oh dear, there are some handsome men in the ugly truth. mmmm. and it makes me want to go dancing and makes me wish i had a boyfriend. As most chick flicks do. Another thing, mainly a feeling, of womanhood, adulthood. Me in my loved clothes, walking confindently down the stairs of a friends apartment, messenger bag slung over my head. keys in hand. And it hit me. In a few weeks, this will be me everyday. making my way to class, to work down the stairs from my very own little apartment. on my own out in the world. :) I cannot wait. I drove home listening to an old CD i thought i lost, that a past roommate made me, all the songs were perfect, good for the soul, that girl has a gift for making CD's. Makes me realize i need to find some good gospel music. or just some more music in general. (i've been in a music funk, if you have suggestions, i'd LOVE them. OR make me a CD. i would pass out from happiness) Tonight i ate wheatabix, with fresh blueberries milk and a little half and half. it was the best idea i've ever had. absolutely delicious. And now i'm going to talk to my best friend, and go to sleep. A rough day. turned out pretty well. its the little things that bless us the most.

future

My life is simultaneously on pause and fast foward. plan plan plan. that is the word of the year. I'm tired of planning. I want to do. I want to start making steps out into the real world. but i'm stuck by the plans. the little hangups. the "what ifs". the technicalities. this stage sucks. I have four weeks until it all begins. whatever that is...i hope its right.

India

I have arrived safely in India. It took me four days to get to my placement and i was absolutely exhausted once i got there. I went to a short day of work. 3 hours. and saw a little bit of what i would be doing/watching. Theres not a whole lot to do in the Physical therapy department. its one room and there are three therapists and four therapy grad students. I'll probably stay there for the week and then see if i can transfer to orthopedics. I hope that i'm not bored and i can participate a little, but i have to be really active about asking what they're doing, where i can go, what i can do. But its really neat so far. My host family is great. Allen Phillips, his wife Usha their children Asha (a girl 15) and Anish ( a boy 17) they take great care of us, we have the internet, our own room and bathroom and clean food and water. I say our because i have a roommate Sarah Smith, its nice to not be alone and have someone who knows the lay of the land a little. it makes it all a little less nerve wracking. We went to Varkala this weekend, a beach resort on the cliffs. it was absolutly amazing. SO beautiful. i took many pictures that i am sure you ALL will be seeing once i get back. they'll be 85207 new facebook albums. ha. ALl the volunteers were there and it was nice to interact with people my age and who spoke my language, so effortless. and a nice respite before the real work begins. OH and i rode an elephant.

a step. out into the world.

i wish that i could be a better writer. i wish that i could do big events justice. honestly. i don't know how reporters do it. I guess they're not personally involved, so they don't have their feelings and opinions to get in the way, just facts. or maybe feelings and opinions are what makes writers great. I started reading Annie dillard. she writes in the way i always wanted to. about the things I love, the things i want to see,  the things i notice that i thought no one else did. it makes me want to live big, full, and yet completely simple. her words. her sentences, its nearly breath taking and i find a hint of a  smile on my face when i read. perhaps i like small things and details so much that i find it to challenging to write about milestones. I find myself wordless. I cannot stop running my mouth about it, but when it comes to writing i am thwarted. written words are more honest. and i'm not sure how i feel about my impending adventure yet. 

Let it be known. I'm going to India, in 5 days. 

for some reason i kept it quiet for the most part, almost to scared to talk about it for fear that it wouldn't happen. some last minute detail that would keep me from going. I've tried to not build it up too much, so i wouldn't be disappointed. but everything has come through. and i find that i am shocked, everything is set, i have pretty much everything i need, but i feel in NO way prepared to go to India for a month. And honestly i dont think i'll fully believe it until i'm there. at my host family's house, going to work at the hospital. I'm a little terrified. every what if situation has run through my mind in order to be prepared. to have what i need. everything i can control i have a plan for. getting sick, getting hurt, sunburned, bored, inspired, lonely. All the things i cant plan for though. thats what is making me incredibly nervous. all of my unknowns. Will my host family like me? Will i be good at my job, will i be respected, will i make friends, is a month enough time, will this be  a good experience? it reminds me of all my "first day of school" thoughts. When i was young, i was always so scared to start school, to change schools. for some reason i always thought i would never make friends and it would be too hard. i'd rather stay home with mom. all rather irrational and clinging to safety sort of thoughts. I am older now, but my mind tends to wander back. But i know that i would rather not stay here. I am so excited to go. eager even. India. so foreign. so different and new. its going to be amazing. i know it is. I'm so excited to learn, excited to take risks. to have this epic experience. to meet new people, interact with a new culture, try new things, and to come back changed. but man. that first step sure is nerve racking

risk

this morning i was rudely awoken at 8 am. meaning one thing. we were going to sunday school. I am not a huge fan of sunday school. where i am thrust into an environment of 50 something old couples, and their parents. My parents generation and their parents generation. I have had somewhat of a hard time relating in the past. but i have learned how to deal. become an observer. it has been interesting to see what these people think of their children, to see what they worry about, how they relate, how they perceive the world, what they struggle with. verses how i feel about all those things. so very interesting. Today was a discussion of risk. What is it, how and can it be done wisely, what is worth the risk. etc. And it was so interesting to see how these people perceived risk, or thought a worthwhile risk was. What "risking for the Lord" looked like. Of course the discussion focused mainly on mission work, or lifestyle changes. And the goal i think was to show us how obsessed with safety we are. which was very apparent in the class, people being very aware of how to stay away from risky situations, to keep their children, their finances and themselves safe. And after a lot of "healthy, heated" discussion, it was pointed out how little we trust God. However. I am at a very different point in my life. My life is all risk. I have nothing to do but step out in the world and put myself full force into getting into grad school, into trying to get a job, finding an apartment, making new friends, and to figuring out what my life holds. Hell I'm going to india in a week by myself, to do medical volunteer work. what a risk. and i look back at the fearful person i used to be hardly recognize myself. i'm not as afraid of risks as i used to be, not as afraid of putting myself out there, to doing things i might not have the chance of doing later. Now is the time for risks in life. Now is the time to experience everything i can, to take the world by force. and as my favorite quote says... "The purpose of life is not to arrive safely at death" I want my life to be one that has been fully lived.

Class of 2009

Graduation. It went by in a blur. a blur of black robes, hats and tassels. Marching down to the beating of scottish drums. marching with my peers. people who i have shared classes with, shared laughter and heartaches with. who have become near and dear friends. marching through the professors, the wise patient people who have shaped us and taught us through our years here. and through the many eager parents and friends with cameras, those people who were our support. to the front. The sound of bagpipes ringing in my ears and a big wide smile across my face. we sit. in a big mass of black. there is an air of excitement and anticipation. All of us waiting for the part where we get to walk across that stage. waiting to get that diploma that we've all worked so hard for. all the work. all the pain. the lack of sleep. the studying. the sacrifices. Its all about to pay off. right here. right now. we listen. to our president. to our classmates. to Kay Cole James and her inspiring words that are supposed to spur us on to bigger and better things. To great things. But I sit. In my cap and gown. a little startled to find myself at this point. walking up to the stage I laugh to myself. Amazed at how fast this went. Amazed that I'm here. My name is called. I walk across the stage with that ridiculous grin still spread wide across my face. I believe that every part of my body is smiling. I shake hands with my president, Neil Neilson, "Good Job Taryn" he says quietly. I take the scroll from his hands and walk off the stage. I've done it. I have graduated from college. I stop and pose for a picture and then make my way back to my seat. feelings of pride and accomplishment swelling in my chest. a milestone under my belt.

...hmm.

Not gonna lie. I'm a little freaked out that today is the last day of classes. I just finished my final physics lab. ever. meaning that i will never have to set foot in a lab at covenant college again. I am relieved and happy. but a little sad. This part is over and done. weird.

songs and backwards glances

I tend to be a person who is very deliberate about music. Very intentional about how i listen to it. Making sure that each song is the right thing to listen to at the right time, the mood has to fit, the sound has to be right, the lyrics fit. I am one who usually frowns on those who listen to songs over and over again, destroying a perfectly good song for themselves. Oh i want to do this, but naturally i am far to strong willed and musically elite to do it. and I refrain, convincing myself that it is far better to enjoy it later. However today was different. Two songs in series. I had to hear them today, they just came up on a playlist I had made, in sequence. Black Tables by Other Lives and Nine Sixteen by Bruno Merz. Back to back. I listened to them three times today, a rarity for me. On the scenic drive through Baylor high School’s campus. To Pasha, my favorite local coffee shop, and then once again back up the mountain. I suggest you listen to these, back to back. And enjoy the calm, the crisp soulful sounds of their masculine voices, the cellos, the poignant choruses. Its just so good over and over again.

As a side note.

I had to go to Baylor High School today and observe in their training room for my first aid class, and just let me tell you that that was quite the experience. Back in the world of high school drama, but as a college student. a totally uninvolved third party. I somehow found myself a little unable to relate to these kids. Then again I was somewhat unable to relate when I was in high school. But I was somewhat baffelled by how little they were, how awkward, how…high school. And I found myself thinking, I wonder where I would fit in now verses when I was there age. And I think that I would be about as cool as I was then. Now. which was not very. but I take comfort in the fact that I'm still that girl, too cool for the smart kids, to smart for the cool kids. perpetually the new kid, never with a concrete social slot. But yet now I'm nearly an adult, a woman. And i think that i've found my place. I come to terms with who I am a little better. I am more confident, which just makes me smile. Its interesting to have a glimpse back into that world.

.sigh.

The school year is winding down. Its amazing. it came so fast. in a way i knew it would. it seems long and short, my whole college experience feels that way. so fast four years were over, and yet i felt at times that it would never end. I'm in the last few weeks of being "a college student" its crazy that this era of my life is coming to a close. mildly terrifying. a little heart renching. knowing that i wont be coming back to this place, a place that i have surprisingly come to love. I have all my routines, i have all my favorite places, i have friends and connections here, i know how to get everywhere and anywhere, i am comfortable and happy here. I'm not ready yet. I feel very ill prepared for making it on my own. but i take comfort in the fact that we are all feeling this way. scared. excited. eager to make a difference in the world. and yet baffelled at how to do it all. how to start my life. my real life. a job. an apartment. budgets. grad school? moving? i cant wait for the challenge, for all the new experiences, for learning new things. for becoming an adult. the unknown.

But for now all i know now is that I'm going to make every moment last. every last moment count. have as many epic adventures as possible. and revel in all the "lasts" of college.

a bright new day

Today is just a wonderful day. It is bright and sunny. and warm. It is so nice to not be cold. for it to be clear. blue skies. the sun is shining, its rays warming my back. The breeze playing with my hair, brings the smells of freshly laid mulch and blooming flowers. Spring is upon us. the trees are in bloom with their tiny little budding leaves, their limbs filling up with blossoms, some of them come off in the breeze and slowly float to the ground. Daffodils are out, tulips and crocuses are slowly starting to poke their leaves out of the mulch and dirt. This sort of weather, the beginning of spring, the transition from the cold and the bleak, is a part of the year that i really enjoy. The sun makes everyone happier, bringing everyone out of their rooms to spend time outside. boys in hammocks napping with books on their chests, intentions of studying lost in a nap in the sun. everyone is either play on the lawn or hanging out under the trees. frisbees are flying. girls are laughing. There are even some studious ones sitting on benches reading. The sun is piercing through the clouds, which are few and far between, just shining brightly. everything is green, colors are popping out everywhere. this season of growth, this bright day and new weather is just refreshing. It makes me just want to go put on a flowing dress and walk through the warm breeze, barefoot, sun on my face, and not a care in the world. 

Senegal

My parents. as well as all these fine people in the attractive blue polos (plus a few others) are leaving for Senegal today for 10 days. 

They are a team of three nurses, a dentist, a pharmacist, a pediatrician, a physician, a podiatrist, and my father "who has a background in public health" which may or may not be stretching the truth. All of them are flying out today, each with two suitcases in hand, one with their personal belongings, another packed to the brim with medical supplies. They are going to set up a clinic for 7 days with the intention of providing basic medical care for as many people as they can. From headaches, to wound care, to infectious diseases. All of this they will be doing this in a three room dirt floor, roofless building. In the sweltering heat, with no protection from the sun. Sterile technique will definitely be a challenge. I am asking you to pray. Pray for my family. Pray for the team. For safety. For effectiveness. For high spirits. And that the Lords work be done. 

.wind.

when i feel broken. when i have been thinking. thinking. thinking. and nothing has come of it, and its all a mess. when i am overwhelmed with my own thoughts and feelings. i feel, above everything, the need to get away. i feel the need to be outside. to be in the woods. to be walking. wind in my hair surrounded by trees. walking through tall grasses. grabbing the ends and twirling them in my fingers. laying on the ground. the grass concealing my location. the wind rushing through the trees. i can feel everything melt away in the expanse of nature. in the silence. and something about being on the ground. in the dirt. looking up at the sky. just puts everything back in its place. i feel grounded and secure. 

this is something i normally do by myself. normally i'm too overwhelmed to deal with anyone. but this time. i took a friend. it was so much better. to share that experience with someone. to have someone to just sit and watch the world with. 

end of an era

a tragedy of the highest degree. my french press and the floor met in the most unfortunate way a few days ago. my trusty french press, that has been with me all through college, my dear friend who had two different parts from two different presses due to my mother mixing them up. who has been working overtime the past few months. she is now gone. we had a good run my friend. you will be missed for sure.

.back.

driving today. i look out the window, crisscrossed with frozen dew. the sun streaming through the trees, the light glints off something. snow. so small, so light. like dust. causing the air, the sky, everything to lightly shimmer. and a smile just spread across my face. this picture just delighted my eyes. beauty. splendor. immaculate detail. sometimes the simplest things just astound me. i feel. lighter. i feel... relieved to be back. like i can breathe again. its good to have the things i need again. routine. challenges. love. its funny how easy we can forget these things. the simplest of things. how important and incredible it is to be needed and loved. how calming it is to have a set routine. How happy it makes me to be intellectually and spiritually challenged. In three short weeks, i slowly forgot. how all these things felt. how important they all are. vital. and it is funny how i almost need to get used to them again. need time to remember. amazing how fast we become used to the mediocre, the easy. this break, it was traumatizing going without. just drifting. flitting from thing to thing. i still feel a little shell shocked from the experience. almost like i need to recover. i am no longer content without. and will not go without these things again. it was just too hard. home. i've never had a place to associate with that word. it has always been a feeling. a feeling of comfort. of safety. of love. and familiarity. of deep knowing. and it is always with people. that is what home is to me. and that is how i feel.