a step. out into the world.

i wish that i could be a better writer. i wish that i could do big events justice. honestly. i don't know how reporters do it. I guess they're not personally involved, so they don't have their feelings and opinions to get in the way, just facts. or maybe feelings and opinions are what makes writers great. I started reading Annie dillard. she writes in the way i always wanted to. about the things I love, the things i want to see,  the things i notice that i thought no one else did. it makes me want to live big, full, and yet completely simple. her words. her sentences, its nearly breath taking and i find a hint of a  smile on my face when i read. perhaps i like small things and details so much that i find it to challenging to write about milestones. I find myself wordless. I cannot stop running my mouth about it, but when it comes to writing i am thwarted. written words are more honest. and i'm not sure how i feel about my impending adventure yet. 

Let it be known. I'm going to India, in 5 days. 

for some reason i kept it quiet for the most part, almost to scared to talk about it for fear that it wouldn't happen. some last minute detail that would keep me from going. I've tried to not build it up too much, so i wouldn't be disappointed. but everything has come through. and i find that i am shocked, everything is set, i have pretty much everything i need, but i feel in NO way prepared to go to India for a month. And honestly i dont think i'll fully believe it until i'm there. at my host family's house, going to work at the hospital. I'm a little terrified. every what if situation has run through my mind in order to be prepared. to have what i need. everything i can control i have a plan for. getting sick, getting hurt, sunburned, bored, inspired, lonely. All the things i cant plan for though. thats what is making me incredibly nervous. all of my unknowns. Will my host family like me? Will i be good at my job, will i be respected, will i make friends, is a month enough time, will this be  a good experience? it reminds me of all my "first day of school" thoughts. When i was young, i was always so scared to start school, to change schools. for some reason i always thought i would never make friends and it would be too hard. i'd rather stay home with mom. all rather irrational and clinging to safety sort of thoughts. I am older now, but my mind tends to wander back. But i know that i would rather not stay here. I am so excited to go. eager even. India. so foreign. so different and new. its going to be amazing. i know it is. I'm so excited to learn, excited to take risks. to have this epic experience. to meet new people, interact with a new culture, try new things, and to come back changed. but man. that first step sure is nerve racking