boxes

Yesterday i bought moving boxes. Ten brown cardboard boxes, 5 small, 5 medium, into which all of my things will go, carefully chosen, carefully wrapped. Off to a new home. MY home. I'm about to embark on a big adventure. Halfway across the country. i look forward to the hours of driving. just me and my brown cardboard boxes. the open road stretching in front of me. Starbucks in my cup holder, my Ipod working hard. its almost an active representation of my transition. from child to adult. from cities to cornfields. flat. wide open spaces. where a girl can breathe. I feel like my heart will finally be at home. i can't wait to walk barefoot in that midwest dirt. to a small town. to cornfields. to a place with communities. the land of new beginnings. i can't wait.

a little is enough

today was one of those days. Started off a little rough and really nothing spectacular happened, but all the little things lined up just right. The clothes i wore today were old, but just felt so right. My favorite pair of jeans with the hole on the butt that i turned into paint pants so i wouldnt wear them again, a green paint stain on the thigh. old loafers, stained blue on account of my addiction to blue jeans. my soft white tank top, and a new happy white patterned t-shirt. These clothes made me happy and confident today, the way they were used to my body, how worn and loved they were. its amazing the little things that we are comforted by. I went to borjo to get out the house today, its been a little frustrating to be there recently. I parked far away to avoid the meters and to walk a little, it was a nice day. My bag slung over my shoulder, hoodie in hand. It seems i'm never without one, they AC everywhere to death in the summer. And i just sat there, and talked and skyped. fiddling with my new computer. eating a warm brownie. reading. reflecting. I love it there. its been good for my soul recently. coffee houses typically are. I took up my bible study again today, one that my dear friend and i started during the semester. It was so refreshing to be back in the word like that. So good to read things i would overlook. To write things down that i would easily forget. Its so easy to read a chapter of the bible and forget about it, its so easy to be lazy about it. But it is so much more wonderful this way. To sit down and take the time and to let ourselves be challenged by it. To write and to talk about it. discussing our thoughts with each other. it is incredible and powerful. everytime. why dont we do this more? I went to starbucks with friends, talked about my future plans, got some free coffee. ate a blue icee pop. Went to a chick flick that they didnt enjoy. but i did. Oh dear, there are some handsome men in the ugly truth. mmmm. and it makes me want to go dancing and makes me wish i had a boyfriend. As most chick flicks do. Another thing, mainly a feeling, of womanhood, adulthood. Me in my loved clothes, walking confindently down the stairs of a friends apartment, messenger bag slung over my head. keys in hand. And it hit me. In a few weeks, this will be me everyday. making my way to class, to work down the stairs from my very own little apartment. on my own out in the world. :) I cannot wait. I drove home listening to an old CD i thought i lost, that a past roommate made me, all the songs were perfect, good for the soul, that girl has a gift for making CD's. Makes me realize i need to find some good gospel music. or just some more music in general. (i've been in a music funk, if you have suggestions, i'd LOVE them. OR make me a CD. i would pass out from happiness) Tonight i ate wheatabix, with fresh blueberries milk and a little half and half. it was the best idea i've ever had. absolutely delicious. And now i'm going to talk to my best friend, and go to sleep. A rough day. turned out pretty well. its the little things that bless us the most.

future

My life is simultaneously on pause and fast foward. plan plan plan. that is the word of the year. I'm tired of planning. I want to do. I want to start making steps out into the real world. but i'm stuck by the plans. the little hangups. the "what ifs". the technicalities. this stage sucks. I have four weeks until it all begins. whatever that is...i hope its right.

India

I have arrived safely in India. It took me four days to get to my placement and i was absolutely exhausted once i got there. I went to a short day of work. 3 hours. and saw a little bit of what i would be doing/watching. Theres not a whole lot to do in the Physical therapy department. its one room and there are three therapists and four therapy grad students. I'll probably stay there for the week and then see if i can transfer to orthopedics. I hope that i'm not bored and i can participate a little, but i have to be really active about asking what they're doing, where i can go, what i can do. But its really neat so far. My host family is great. Allen Phillips, his wife Usha their children Asha (a girl 15) and Anish ( a boy 17) they take great care of us, we have the internet, our own room and bathroom and clean food and water. I say our because i have a roommate Sarah Smith, its nice to not be alone and have someone who knows the lay of the land a little. it makes it all a little less nerve wracking. We went to Varkala this weekend, a beach resort on the cliffs. it was absolutly amazing. SO beautiful. i took many pictures that i am sure you ALL will be seeing once i get back. they'll be 85207 new facebook albums. ha. ALl the volunteers were there and it was nice to interact with people my age and who spoke my language, so effortless. and a nice respite before the real work begins. OH and i rode an elephant.

a step. out into the world.

i wish that i could be a better writer. i wish that i could do big events justice. honestly. i don't know how reporters do it. I guess they're not personally involved, so they don't have their feelings and opinions to get in the way, just facts. or maybe feelings and opinions are what makes writers great. I started reading Annie dillard. she writes in the way i always wanted to. about the things I love, the things i want to see,  the things i notice that i thought no one else did. it makes me want to live big, full, and yet completely simple. her words. her sentences, its nearly breath taking and i find a hint of a  smile on my face when i read. perhaps i like small things and details so much that i find it to challenging to write about milestones. I find myself wordless. I cannot stop running my mouth about it, but when it comes to writing i am thwarted. written words are more honest. and i'm not sure how i feel about my impending adventure yet. 

Let it be known. I'm going to India, in 5 days. 

for some reason i kept it quiet for the most part, almost to scared to talk about it for fear that it wouldn't happen. some last minute detail that would keep me from going. I've tried to not build it up too much, so i wouldn't be disappointed. but everything has come through. and i find that i am shocked, everything is set, i have pretty much everything i need, but i feel in NO way prepared to go to India for a month. And honestly i dont think i'll fully believe it until i'm there. at my host family's house, going to work at the hospital. I'm a little terrified. every what if situation has run through my mind in order to be prepared. to have what i need. everything i can control i have a plan for. getting sick, getting hurt, sunburned, bored, inspired, lonely. All the things i cant plan for though. thats what is making me incredibly nervous. all of my unknowns. Will my host family like me? Will i be good at my job, will i be respected, will i make friends, is a month enough time, will this be  a good experience? it reminds me of all my "first day of school" thoughts. When i was young, i was always so scared to start school, to change schools. for some reason i always thought i would never make friends and it would be too hard. i'd rather stay home with mom. all rather irrational and clinging to safety sort of thoughts. I am older now, but my mind tends to wander back. But i know that i would rather not stay here. I am so excited to go. eager even. India. so foreign. so different and new. its going to be amazing. i know it is. I'm so excited to learn, excited to take risks. to have this epic experience. to meet new people, interact with a new culture, try new things, and to come back changed. but man. that first step sure is nerve racking

risk

this morning i was rudely awoken at 8 am. meaning one thing. we were going to sunday school. I am not a huge fan of sunday school. where i am thrust into an environment of 50 something old couples, and their parents. My parents generation and their parents generation. I have had somewhat of a hard time relating in the past. but i have learned how to deal. become an observer. it has been interesting to see what these people think of their children, to see what they worry about, how they relate, how they perceive the world, what they struggle with. verses how i feel about all those things. so very interesting. Today was a discussion of risk. What is it, how and can it be done wisely, what is worth the risk. etc. And it was so interesting to see how these people perceived risk, or thought a worthwhile risk was. What "risking for the Lord" looked like. Of course the discussion focused mainly on mission work, or lifestyle changes. And the goal i think was to show us how obsessed with safety we are. which was very apparent in the class, people being very aware of how to stay away from risky situations, to keep their children, their finances and themselves safe. And after a lot of "healthy, heated" discussion, it was pointed out how little we trust God. However. I am at a very different point in my life. My life is all risk. I have nothing to do but step out in the world and put myself full force into getting into grad school, into trying to get a job, finding an apartment, making new friends, and to figuring out what my life holds. Hell I'm going to india in a week by myself, to do medical volunteer work. what a risk. and i look back at the fearful person i used to be hardly recognize myself. i'm not as afraid of risks as i used to be, not as afraid of putting myself out there, to doing things i might not have the chance of doing later. Now is the time for risks in life. Now is the time to experience everything i can, to take the world by force. and as my favorite quote says... "The purpose of life is not to arrive safely at death" I want my life to be one that has been fully lived.

Class of 2009

Graduation. It went by in a blur. a blur of black robes, hats and tassels. Marching down to the beating of scottish drums. marching with my peers. people who i have shared classes with, shared laughter and heartaches with. who have become near and dear friends. marching through the professors, the wise patient people who have shaped us and taught us through our years here. and through the many eager parents and friends with cameras, those people who were our support. to the front. The sound of bagpipes ringing in my ears and a big wide smile across my face. we sit. in a big mass of black. there is an air of excitement and anticipation. All of us waiting for the part where we get to walk across that stage. waiting to get that diploma that we've all worked so hard for. all the work. all the pain. the lack of sleep. the studying. the sacrifices. Its all about to pay off. right here. right now. we listen. to our president. to our classmates. to Kay Cole James and her inspiring words that are supposed to spur us on to bigger and better things. To great things. But I sit. In my cap and gown. a little startled to find myself at this point. walking up to the stage I laugh to myself. Amazed at how fast this went. Amazed that I'm here. My name is called. I walk across the stage with that ridiculous grin still spread wide across my face. I believe that every part of my body is smiling. I shake hands with my president, Neil Neilson, "Good Job Taryn" he says quietly. I take the scroll from his hands and walk off the stage. I've done it. I have graduated from college. I stop and pose for a picture and then make my way back to my seat. feelings of pride and accomplishment swelling in my chest. a milestone under my belt.