a step. out into the world.

i wish that i could be a better writer. i wish that i could do big events justice. honestly. i don't know how reporters do it. I guess they're not personally involved, so they don't have their feelings and opinions to get in the way, just facts. or maybe feelings and opinions are what makes writers great. I started reading Annie dillard. she writes in the way i always wanted to. about the things I love, the things i want to see,  the things i notice that i thought no one else did. it makes me want to live big, full, and yet completely simple. her words. her sentences, its nearly breath taking and i find a hint of a  smile on my face when i read. perhaps i like small things and details so much that i find it to challenging to write about milestones. I find myself wordless. I cannot stop running my mouth about it, but when it comes to writing i am thwarted. written words are more honest. and i'm not sure how i feel about my impending adventure yet. 

Let it be known. I'm going to India, in 5 days. 

for some reason i kept it quiet for the most part, almost to scared to talk about it for fear that it wouldn't happen. some last minute detail that would keep me from going. I've tried to not build it up too much, so i wouldn't be disappointed. but everything has come through. and i find that i am shocked, everything is set, i have pretty much everything i need, but i feel in NO way prepared to go to India for a month. And honestly i dont think i'll fully believe it until i'm there. at my host family's house, going to work at the hospital. I'm a little terrified. every what if situation has run through my mind in order to be prepared. to have what i need. everything i can control i have a plan for. getting sick, getting hurt, sunburned, bored, inspired, lonely. All the things i cant plan for though. thats what is making me incredibly nervous. all of my unknowns. Will my host family like me? Will i be good at my job, will i be respected, will i make friends, is a month enough time, will this be  a good experience? it reminds me of all my "first day of school" thoughts. When i was young, i was always so scared to start school, to change schools. for some reason i always thought i would never make friends and it would be too hard. i'd rather stay home with mom. all rather irrational and clinging to safety sort of thoughts. I am older now, but my mind tends to wander back. But i know that i would rather not stay here. I am so excited to go. eager even. India. so foreign. so different and new. its going to be amazing. i know it is. I'm so excited to learn, excited to take risks. to have this epic experience. to meet new people, interact with a new culture, try new things, and to come back changed. but man. that first step sure is nerve racking

risk

this morning i was rudely awoken at 8 am. meaning one thing. we were going to sunday school. I am not a huge fan of sunday school. where i am thrust into an environment of 50 something old couples, and their parents. My parents generation and their parents generation. I have had somewhat of a hard time relating in the past. but i have learned how to deal. become an observer. it has been interesting to see what these people think of their children, to see what they worry about, how they relate, how they perceive the world, what they struggle with. verses how i feel about all those things. so very interesting. Today was a discussion of risk. What is it, how and can it be done wisely, what is worth the risk. etc. And it was so interesting to see how these people perceived risk, or thought a worthwhile risk was. What "risking for the Lord" looked like. Of course the discussion focused mainly on mission work, or lifestyle changes. And the goal i think was to show us how obsessed with safety we are. which was very apparent in the class, people being very aware of how to stay away from risky situations, to keep their children, their finances and themselves safe. And after a lot of "healthy, heated" discussion, it was pointed out how little we trust God. However. I am at a very different point in my life. My life is all risk. I have nothing to do but step out in the world and put myself full force into getting into grad school, into trying to get a job, finding an apartment, making new friends, and to figuring out what my life holds. Hell I'm going to india in a week by myself, to do medical volunteer work. what a risk. and i look back at the fearful person i used to be hardly recognize myself. i'm not as afraid of risks as i used to be, not as afraid of putting myself out there, to doing things i might not have the chance of doing later. Now is the time for risks in life. Now is the time to experience everything i can, to take the world by force. and as my favorite quote says... "The purpose of life is not to arrive safely at death" I want my life to be one that has been fully lived.

Class of 2009

Graduation. It went by in a blur. a blur of black robes, hats and tassels. Marching down to the beating of scottish drums. marching with my peers. people who i have shared classes with, shared laughter and heartaches with. who have become near and dear friends. marching through the professors, the wise patient people who have shaped us and taught us through our years here. and through the many eager parents and friends with cameras, those people who were our support. to the front. The sound of bagpipes ringing in my ears and a big wide smile across my face. we sit. in a big mass of black. there is an air of excitement and anticipation. All of us waiting for the part where we get to walk across that stage. waiting to get that diploma that we've all worked so hard for. all the work. all the pain. the lack of sleep. the studying. the sacrifices. Its all about to pay off. right here. right now. we listen. to our president. to our classmates. to Kay Cole James and her inspiring words that are supposed to spur us on to bigger and better things. To great things. But I sit. In my cap and gown. a little startled to find myself at this point. walking up to the stage I laugh to myself. Amazed at how fast this went. Amazed that I'm here. My name is called. I walk across the stage with that ridiculous grin still spread wide across my face. I believe that every part of my body is smiling. I shake hands with my president, Neil Neilson, "Good Job Taryn" he says quietly. I take the scroll from his hands and walk off the stage. I've done it. I have graduated from college. I stop and pose for a picture and then make my way back to my seat. feelings of pride and accomplishment swelling in my chest. a milestone under my belt.