empty

sigh. i miss being two.

dad

today. i spent the day with my father, my mother was away playing bells, so i woke up and it was just the two of us. i exit my room. and i look into my parents room and there is my dog. sitting in her bed. with reindeer antlers. and i just laugh. she looks so pathetic and ridiculous and adorable. and doesnt seem to mind the antlers my father put on her. but my dad. hearing my laugh says "oh did you see our new reindeer dog?" haha. so silly. i make coffee for both of us. and we discuss his adventures into the realm of french press and which coffee we've discovered, why its good. etc. i need to teach him more about the ins and outs of coffee. but i like the way we just sit and talk, or walk around the house. its all so low key. we go to the mall. to do christmas shopping. neither of us know what to get anyone. but we go anyways. and just wind up talking and sitting and observing. catching up on my life at school, and what's going on at home. how people have changed. it was just so nice and fun. to be with my dad. it was amazing. i forget how much i miss him when i'm away. We dont talk on the phone like my mother and i do. or email. But he is such a kind hearted man. so wise. so intelligent. i very very much enjoy time spent with my father. it makes my heart happy.

this just in...

i'm awesome. This is a video of my first legit solo. ever. it was an amazing experience. honestly i thought it went kind of bad, and then i was made to watch the video of it. And i laughed seriously for like 5 minutes. i was shocked. i dont know if you've ever experienced this, but i wasn't quite sure what my voice sounded like until then. I mean i knew i loved the sound of my voice, and that i was a pretty good singer. i don't mean to brag. but damn i'm good, i was blown away. Just wait til you hear the whole choir. that'll be the next video i post.

wanting.

i did not want to get out of bed today. i did not want to shower or look presentable. to go to chapel. to go to class. to do homework. to write an inordinate amount of papers. or work ever again. i just want to lie here in bed. drinking coffee discussing life with a friend. i want to travel the US. then the world. and see all the beautiful things it has to offer. to take it all in. i want to read wonderful books. and have wonderful discussions. and fill up journal after journal with profound thoughts and experiences. i want to sit in cafes and sip coffee. i want to be in nature among the trees. under the stars. in the silence and feel small. just dwelling. i want to be carefree. yet care about everything. i want to go to shows. and watch the faces of the musicians. pouring out their hearts. reveling in the music. and let it all flow over me, through me, and around me.

best ever

11/29/08 an excerpt from my journal. "i feel like the city and suburbia have ruined me. The openness of the midwest, it is grandiose and simple. almost bleak, especially since it is winter. the leave have changed and fallen, the trees are exposed. its briskly cold. But most of all it is so calm here. small towns, few roads, and just long stretches of land, and big trees. Its beautiful. you can see for what seems like miles and in every direction. It gets so dark at night, the stars are so bright. The quiet is incredible, there's no sound but the occasional passing car. In town everything is so quaint, all the houses are lined up just so, there are little parks, and brick sidewalks. I just love looking around, taking it all in. I don't know what it is exactly but i just really love it here. i feel alive here, and truly at home." central illinois. sounds boring. but let me assure you my four days there simply incredible.

happiness is circumstantial. joy is not.

I woke up and did not want to get out of bed. but i was going to church so it was ok. i missed church because of the joint service at another location. we laughed about it, and sang in the parking lot. and had breakfast together instead. all the breakfast hurt my stomach. so we walked and took pictures by broken things. showing the beauty in distress. we came back... i had to write my senior thesis. alone. but took a break for coffee anyways. my car was moved from the weekend parking lot for me. My laundry was done for me. my room was cleaned for me. and i wrote. and wrote. and wrote. I received a beautiful letter. and wrote and wrote and wrote. i "finished" at least the best i can. for today. two weeks from now my senior thesis will be over and turned in. for forever and ever. my brain is fried. and my heart is full. hugs all around. today was a good day.

humanity

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest place. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never forget." -Arundhati Roy

shades of orange

I am sitting here on a drizzly crisp day in this wonderful little coffee shop at the foot of lookout mountain. Its autumn and the trees have exploded in a fire of colors and are slowly drifting and swirling around in the wind. I have turned in my graduate school applications, I am well rested, and in the presence of art, coffee, and companionship. I feel so light.

So you think you can dance.

This routine is freaking amazing and you should watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSzPdn9jWmY but yeah i saw this live with one of my best friends at the so you think you can dance tour. try not to be jealous. although it really makes me wish that i could dance.

there are just no words

I don't even know how to begin, i have not the skill nor the comprehension to write down all the blessings that have come into my life. I have been non stop busy. I have been taking test after test and writing grad school essays and avoiding my senior thesis, and working. All sorts of horribly taxing types of things. And yet I do not feel burdened, I do not feel too overwhelmed. I feel blessed. It seems like every single day. God has given me some wonderful undeserved gesture of grace, and i feel unworthy of it. It seems as though it has been so long since i have been taught gently. I have become accustomed change of a more painful and challenging nature, due to my own stubbornness. But God has softened my heart that i had so avidly protected, and so encouraged my broken spirit, that Joy has simply overflowed my heart. I had forgotten things. feelings mainly. I did not comprehend the completeness of a great friendship. I had forgotten the genuine concern and care that my professors have for me. The joy of people challenging me and stimulating conversation. And amist the whirlwind of academia I am content even joyful and that is more than enough for me.

GRE

Today was the day. The day thats been looming over my head for weeks now. The day i take the test that essentially decides my future. I had the books, the flash-cards and even some software, (that took 4 different computers to figure out how to work.) And, I studied some. Here and there from summer until now, essentially banking on my great testing skills to get me through this monster. But i absolutely could not afford to do mediocre on the test, i have enough mediocrity on my grad school applications already. So to put it mildly i was a bit concerned. But i got up at 6:30, made a vat of coffee, and went on my way. down the mountain to meet my fate. I searched through three exits to find my traditional fast food breakfast. I cant very well take a standardized test without a bacon egg and cheese. might as well not even go. I get to the testing center, which happens to by sylvan learning center, which made me uneasy. i don't have the fondest memories of sylvan. but i checked in, emptied my pockets of all potential things that i could cheat with or disturb other with. which is. apparently everything. and waited. soon enough he brought me back and set me in front a computer. 4 hours. writing, math, and verbal. it was long. and arduous. and i thought i did terrible. but they give you your scores immediately after you finish the test. which is kind of like a punch in the face. but great since you dont have to wait weeks and weeks and worry about it. and i did great. above the average for accepted students into the PT programs at the schools i'm looking at. What a miracle, and such a relief to be done with it forever.

inclement weather

So I'm back at school after a slightly relaxing slightly frantic fall break. And i am so glad to be back. I know strange right? I mean I'm more stressed out than i ever remember being. I have about 100 major things to accomplish this week and i'm taking the GRE. But I'm very glad to be at school. Glad to be back in my cosy little nook of a room with the rain pattering outside, glad to be back with friends, glad to be enjoying the fall weather and wearing sweaters and scarves, to be reunited with my french press and back into the routine of things. Its very nice. I just hope i don't die before the week is over.

the fam

This is a picture of my family from when we went on vacation at the end of summer. (clearly my mother's not in it, she's taking the picture) But we're literally at the end of the road to nowhere. everything about this picture screams indie rock bad asses. I always forget what a beautiful thing it is to spend time with family. The likenesses between my brother and I still astonish me. We were discussing future plans the other night, and the way we could relate to one another was brilliant. Just to catch up with him, and hang out was a joy. And now i am back in my parents house, where they made me dinner and intently asked about my life. all the while my dog panting contently at my side. and i am desperately happy as i fall asleep in front of the tv. Family is something i always find myself taking for granted. But i never feel more understood or accepted as when i am with them.

My Heart

I have spent my summer thus far, lazing about, watching tv, and overall avoiding too many responsibilities. But today was my first day of volunteering. It was absolutley incredible. Perhaps i was burned out from doing nothing all day and my brain rotting away from television. But today was by far the most enjoyable day i've had in a while. Healing Hands Physical Therapy has grown exponetially since i volunteered there last. going from 1 or 2 patients an hour to 4 patients every hour. And because i have worked there in the past they are now treating me as a Physical Therapy Aid, and i actually get to work and help treat patients instead of being mainly an observer. I'm allowed a lot more responsibilities and have already learned so much and i've only been there one day. 9 hours just flew by and i cant wait to go back tomorrow. All the doubts i had of, if Physical therapy was actually what i wanted to do, If it was worth the work. They were put aside today. I couldnt be more thrilled to do this with the rest of my life.

honest to blog?

Ever have those times when you remember what its like to let go and have fun again? You know like we used to before life got complicated? Today i had a thoroughly adult day. One that entailed getting up, going to the gym, going to my doctors appointment, getting stuck in traffic and then going to class...late. ugh what a drag, i have gotten into such a sadly tedious routine, where i feel the need to be constantly entertained by technology or consumerism and I've been discusted by it. But tonight, tonight was different. Tonight my boys called me up around ten and asked if i wanted to kick around a kick ball. umm...sure? it was an unusual request being that our normal evening activities entail watching numerous movies in a row. accompanied with large amounts of junkfood. but off we went kickball in hand to the tennis courts to play what i've now dubbed kick tennis, three square, and a makeshift game of volleyball, or whatever various games we made up to play. it was fabulous, running around making up rules, reminding myself of my horrible foot eye coordination and why i never played soccer. (which i almost spelled socker) Laughing when Nate fell or when i failed to get even close to kicking the ball. It was a refreshing kind of fun, and made me so happy. I hope that this is something that we can do more of.

Opportunity Knocks

On the way to church yesterday I was talking with my dad about something thats been on my mind for the past couple of months. Taking a year off and traveling abroad after graduation, and as i was talking i realized how specific of a trip i wanted. I wanted the ablity to choose for how long i went, i didnt want to go with a christian organization, I wanted to working with Physical Therapists in order to get work experience and volunteer hours and i wanted to be in a radically different culture out of my comfort zone but but at the same time have a comminuty around me so that i would not be too alone. All my research towards this goal had thus far been unsuccessful, i found either mission trips, solo internships, or work for certified physical therapists. Nothing for a person with an undergraduate degree looking to be a physical therapist. But this was all before talking with my father. . . We talked and i told him all of my desires and hopes for my year off. Of course he expressed interest and concern but said that we should look more into it and see what we could find. Later on in the day while i am on the couch doing my math homework and Dad come and sits down next to me. I am slightly irritated at this as i dont work well with other people around. Then he starts talking...great... But i dont really want to be doing math anyways. So he excitedly tells me to go to www.projects-abroad.org, i look it up. I could not have been more astounded and excited. It was everything i'd been looking for, a volunteer based program that allows you to live abroad, and I can work with physical therapists. I'd have a job working with and learning from physical therapists, I'd live in country with a host family near other volunteers, and would get to experience the culture while getting valuable work experience that will help in my grad school and future job applications. I could leave whenever i wanted and stay for as long or short as i wish. Everything is included and planned for, It looks like an amazing organization. This particular program goes to Mexico, Moldova, India, Sri Lanka, Ghana, Nepal, Bolivia, Ethiopia. Certain places have specialty clinics you can work at, others are more broad field. I'm so excited that this opportunity has opened up for me, both my parents are really supportive, provided that i still apply for grad school this year. If i get in, I'll defer acceptance, if not I'll go and apply when i come back. Right now its just deciding where to go!