new hat.

how fitting. a new hat, equaled to a new mindset. After long days of being reclusive, feeling sorry for myself, and generally feeling lost i've decided i've had enough. I came to illinois for an adventure. a new chapter. to learn and to grow. not to sit in my apartment and hide, not to be bashful about my intelligence in class, and not be be this young wavering shakey girl. Its time to get assertive, to remember who i am. or perhaps to redefine it. goals need to be set, projects need to be planned, friendships need to be make, books read, and journals need to be extensively written in. I am at a beginning, a crossroads and an end. but whatever i do. and where ever i am. I want to go confidently, do things wholeheartedly and with purpose. It is with this outlook i want to go into the rest of my week and on. so it is with a new hat, a new book, and a new journal i begin again. i sort through the mess, and wind up the ends.

title

this morning I made incredible coffee, and snuck off to the beach with my books and my journal. I chose a place slightly secluded. a porch swing behind our motel. I love finding little spots like this. It looked onto the beach and the waves, but kept me away from all the people. I just sat there, swinging. with the wind drying my hair. book in my lap and coffee in my hand. Velvet elvis, i suggest it to everyone, rob bell is a genius. I love days like this. its amazing the power of a good book, a good cup of coffee or a good song. it just lightens the soul.

security is mostly a superstition. it does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. - helen keller i like this, and i dont like it. but it made me think.

boxes

Yesterday i bought moving boxes. Ten brown cardboard boxes, 5 small, 5 medium, into which all of my things will go, carefully chosen, carefully wrapped. Off to a new home. MY home. I'm about to embark on a big adventure. Halfway across the country. i look forward to the hours of driving. just me and my brown cardboard boxes. the open road stretching in front of me. Starbucks in my cup holder, my Ipod working hard. its almost an active representation of my transition. from child to adult. from cities to cornfields. flat. wide open spaces. where a girl can breathe. I feel like my heart will finally be at home. i can't wait to walk barefoot in that midwest dirt. to a small town. to cornfields. to a place with communities. the land of new beginnings. i can't wait.

a little is enough

today was one of those days. Started off a little rough and really nothing spectacular happened, but all the little things lined up just right. The clothes i wore today were old, but just felt so right. My favorite pair of jeans with the hole on the butt that i turned into paint pants so i wouldnt wear them again, a green paint stain on the thigh. old loafers, stained blue on account of my addiction to blue jeans. my soft white tank top, and a new happy white patterned t-shirt. These clothes made me happy and confident today, the way they were used to my body, how worn and loved they were. its amazing the little things that we are comforted by. I went to borjo to get out the house today, its been a little frustrating to be there recently. I parked far away to avoid the meters and to walk a little, it was a nice day. My bag slung over my shoulder, hoodie in hand. It seems i'm never without one, they AC everywhere to death in the summer. And i just sat there, and talked and skyped. fiddling with my new computer. eating a warm brownie. reading. reflecting. I love it there. its been good for my soul recently. coffee houses typically are. I took up my bible study again today, one that my dear friend and i started during the semester. It was so refreshing to be back in the word like that. So good to read things i would overlook. To write things down that i would easily forget. Its so easy to read a chapter of the bible and forget about it, its so easy to be lazy about it. But it is so much more wonderful this way. To sit down and take the time and to let ourselves be challenged by it. To write and to talk about it. discussing our thoughts with each other. it is incredible and powerful. everytime. why dont we do this more? I went to starbucks with friends, talked about my future plans, got some free coffee. ate a blue icee pop. Went to a chick flick that they didnt enjoy. but i did. Oh dear, there are some handsome men in the ugly truth. mmmm. and it makes me want to go dancing and makes me wish i had a boyfriend. As most chick flicks do. Another thing, mainly a feeling, of womanhood, adulthood. Me in my loved clothes, walking confindently down the stairs of a friends apartment, messenger bag slung over my head. keys in hand. And it hit me. In a few weeks, this will be me everyday. making my way to class, to work down the stairs from my very own little apartment. on my own out in the world. :) I cannot wait. I drove home listening to an old CD i thought i lost, that a past roommate made me, all the songs were perfect, good for the soul, that girl has a gift for making CD's. Makes me realize i need to find some good gospel music. or just some more music in general. (i've been in a music funk, if you have suggestions, i'd LOVE them. OR make me a CD. i would pass out from happiness) Tonight i ate wheatabix, with fresh blueberries milk and a little half and half. it was the best idea i've ever had. absolutely delicious. And now i'm going to talk to my best friend, and go to sleep. A rough day. turned out pretty well. its the little things that bless us the most.

future

My life is simultaneously on pause and fast foward. plan plan plan. that is the word of the year. I'm tired of planning. I want to do. I want to start making steps out into the real world. but i'm stuck by the plans. the little hangups. the "what ifs". the technicalities. this stage sucks. I have four weeks until it all begins. whatever that is...i hope its right.

India

I have arrived safely in India. It took me four days to get to my placement and i was absolutely exhausted once i got there. I went to a short day of work. 3 hours. and saw a little bit of what i would be doing/watching. Theres not a whole lot to do in the Physical therapy department. its one room and there are three therapists and four therapy grad students. I'll probably stay there for the week and then see if i can transfer to orthopedics. I hope that i'm not bored and i can participate a little, but i have to be really active about asking what they're doing, where i can go, what i can do. But its really neat so far. My host family is great. Allen Phillips, his wife Usha their children Asha (a girl 15) and Anish ( a boy 17) they take great care of us, we have the internet, our own room and bathroom and clean food and water. I say our because i have a roommate Sarah Smith, its nice to not be alone and have someone who knows the lay of the land a little. it makes it all a little less nerve wracking. We went to Varkala this weekend, a beach resort on the cliffs. it was absolutly amazing. SO beautiful. i took many pictures that i am sure you ALL will be seeing once i get back. they'll be 85207 new facebook albums. ha. ALl the volunteers were there and it was nice to interact with people my age and who spoke my language, so effortless. and a nice respite before the real work begins. OH and i rode an elephant.