end of an era

a tragedy of the highest degree. my french press and the floor met in the most unfortunate way a few days ago. my trusty french press, that has been with me all through college, my dear friend who had two different parts from two different presses due to my mother mixing them up. who has been working overtime the past few months. she is now gone. we had a good run my friend. you will be missed for sure.

.back.

driving today. i look out the window, crisscrossed with frozen dew. the sun streaming through the trees, the light glints off something. snow. so small, so light. like dust. causing the air, the sky, everything to lightly shimmer. and a smile just spread across my face. this picture just delighted my eyes. beauty. splendor. immaculate detail. sometimes the simplest things just astound me. i feel. lighter. i feel... relieved to be back. like i can breathe again. its good to have the things i need again. routine. challenges. love. its funny how easy we can forget these things. the simplest of things. how important and incredible it is to be needed and loved. how calming it is to have a set routine. How happy it makes me to be intellectually and spiritually challenged. In three short weeks, i slowly forgot. how all these things felt. how important they all are. vital. and it is funny how i almost need to get used to them again. need time to remember. amazing how fast we become used to the mediocre, the easy. this break, it was traumatizing going without. just drifting. flitting from thing to thing. i still feel a little shell shocked from the experience. almost like i need to recover. i am no longer content without. and will not go without these things again. it was just too hard. home. i've never had a place to associate with that word. it has always been a feeling. a feeling of comfort. of safety. of love. and familiarity. of deep knowing. and it is always with people. that is what home is to me. and that is how i feel.

empty

sigh. i miss being two.

dad

today. i spent the day with my father, my mother was away playing bells, so i woke up and it was just the two of us. i exit my room. and i look into my parents room and there is my dog. sitting in her bed. with reindeer antlers. and i just laugh. she looks so pathetic and ridiculous and adorable. and doesnt seem to mind the antlers my father put on her. but my dad. hearing my laugh says "oh did you see our new reindeer dog?" haha. so silly. i make coffee for both of us. and we discuss his adventures into the realm of french press and which coffee we've discovered, why its good. etc. i need to teach him more about the ins and outs of coffee. but i like the way we just sit and talk, or walk around the house. its all so low key. we go to the mall. to do christmas shopping. neither of us know what to get anyone. but we go anyways. and just wind up talking and sitting and observing. catching up on my life at school, and what's going on at home. how people have changed. it was just so nice and fun. to be with my dad. it was amazing. i forget how much i miss him when i'm away. We dont talk on the phone like my mother and i do. or email. But he is such a kind hearted man. so wise. so intelligent. i very very much enjoy time spent with my father. it makes my heart happy.

this just in...

i'm awesome. This is a video of my first legit solo. ever. it was an amazing experience. honestly i thought it went kind of bad, and then i was made to watch the video of it. And i laughed seriously for like 5 minutes. i was shocked. i dont know if you've ever experienced this, but i wasn't quite sure what my voice sounded like until then. I mean i knew i loved the sound of my voice, and that i was a pretty good singer. i don't mean to brag. but damn i'm good, i was blown away. Just wait til you hear the whole choir. that'll be the next video i post.

wanting.

i did not want to get out of bed today. i did not want to shower or look presentable. to go to chapel. to go to class. to do homework. to write an inordinate amount of papers. or work ever again. i just want to lie here in bed. drinking coffee discussing life with a friend. i want to travel the US. then the world. and see all the beautiful things it has to offer. to take it all in. i want to read wonderful books. and have wonderful discussions. and fill up journal after journal with profound thoughts and experiences. i want to sit in cafes and sip coffee. i want to be in nature among the trees. under the stars. in the silence and feel small. just dwelling. i want to be carefree. yet care about everything. i want to go to shows. and watch the faces of the musicians. pouring out their hearts. reveling in the music. and let it all flow over me, through me, and around me.

best ever

11/29/08 an excerpt from my journal. "i feel like the city and suburbia have ruined me. The openness of the midwest, it is grandiose and simple. almost bleak, especially since it is winter. the leave have changed and fallen, the trees are exposed. its briskly cold. But most of all it is so calm here. small towns, few roads, and just long stretches of land, and big trees. Its beautiful. you can see for what seems like miles and in every direction. It gets so dark at night, the stars are so bright. The quiet is incredible, there's no sound but the occasional passing car. In town everything is so quaint, all the houses are lined up just so, there are little parks, and brick sidewalks. I just love looking around, taking it all in. I don't know what it is exactly but i just really love it here. i feel alive here, and truly at home." central illinois. sounds boring. but let me assure you my four days there simply incredible.