this just in...

i'm awesome. This is a video of my first legit solo. ever. it was an amazing experience. honestly i thought it went kind of bad, and then i was made to watch the video of it. And i laughed seriously for like 5 minutes. i was shocked. i dont know if you've ever experienced this, but i wasn't quite sure what my voice sounded like until then. I mean i knew i loved the sound of my voice, and that i was a pretty good singer. i don't mean to brag. but damn i'm good, i was blown away. Just wait til you hear the whole choir. that'll be the next video i post.

wanting.

i did not want to get out of bed today. i did not want to shower or look presentable. to go to chapel. to go to class. to do homework. to write an inordinate amount of papers. or work ever again. i just want to lie here in bed. drinking coffee discussing life with a friend. i want to travel the US. then the world. and see all the beautiful things it has to offer. to take it all in. i want to read wonderful books. and have wonderful discussions. and fill up journal after journal with profound thoughts and experiences. i want to sit in cafes and sip coffee. i want to be in nature among the trees. under the stars. in the silence and feel small. just dwelling. i want to be carefree. yet care about everything. i want to go to shows. and watch the faces of the musicians. pouring out their hearts. reveling in the music. and let it all flow over me, through me, and around me.

best ever

11/29/08 an excerpt from my journal. "i feel like the city and suburbia have ruined me. The openness of the midwest, it is grandiose and simple. almost bleak, especially since it is winter. the leave have changed and fallen, the trees are exposed. its briskly cold. But most of all it is so calm here. small towns, few roads, and just long stretches of land, and big trees. Its beautiful. you can see for what seems like miles and in every direction. It gets so dark at night, the stars are so bright. The quiet is incredible, there's no sound but the occasional passing car. In town everything is so quaint, all the houses are lined up just so, there are little parks, and brick sidewalks. I just love looking around, taking it all in. I don't know what it is exactly but i just really love it here. i feel alive here, and truly at home." central illinois. sounds boring. but let me assure you my four days there simply incredible.

happiness is circumstantial. joy is not.

I woke up and did not want to get out of bed. but i was going to church so it was ok. i missed church because of the joint service at another location. we laughed about it, and sang in the parking lot. and had breakfast together instead. all the breakfast hurt my stomach. so we walked and took pictures by broken things. showing the beauty in distress. we came back... i had to write my senior thesis. alone. but took a break for coffee anyways. my car was moved from the weekend parking lot for me. My laundry was done for me. my room was cleaned for me. and i wrote. and wrote. and wrote. I received a beautiful letter. and wrote and wrote and wrote. i "finished" at least the best i can. for today. two weeks from now my senior thesis will be over and turned in. for forever and ever. my brain is fried. and my heart is full. hugs all around. today was a good day.

humanity

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest place. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never forget." -Arundhati Roy

shades of orange

I am sitting here on a drizzly crisp day in this wonderful little coffee shop at the foot of lookout mountain. Its autumn and the trees have exploded in a fire of colors and are slowly drifting and swirling around in the wind. I have turned in my graduate school applications, I am well rested, and in the presence of art, coffee, and companionship. I feel so light.

So you think you can dance.

This routine is freaking amazing and you should watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSzPdn9jWmY but yeah i saw this live with one of my best friends at the so you think you can dance tour. try not to be jealous. although it really makes me wish that i could dance.