afternoons.

sunday afternoon. rain trickling down my window. the cloudy sky gives my room a dimly lit homely feeling, the warm glow from my lamp filling the room. i feel cosy as i study for my psych test tomorrow eating a freshly picked golden delicious apple. and as i sit here on my bed, in my room, in my apartment. and i feel at home.

mornings.

5 am. this is when i wake up on wednesday and friday. oh and 6 am. the other days. needless to say i have some pretty early classes this semester. but as small as that number is. 5. my mornings have been different from the past. not a morning person didnt even begin to explain how mornings and i got along before. but i am finding this starting to change, and while the getting out of bed is hard. after that. the morning is quite enjoyable. and i am seeing and feeling things that i missed out on while i was sleeping away my mornings.

eating breakfast. my current favorite. maple and brown sugar miniwheats.

driving over the illinois river bridge facing the sunrise.

and by far my favorite. walking outside in the dawn. when the light is soft, and the air is that cool crisp fall temperature. condensation has beaded up on all the cars, it is quiet. and its like i'm about to sneak off onto some big great adventure. possibilities. the morning is full of them.

ahh. mondays. a totally different meaning.

Mondays. They are my new favorite day. I get to wake up later than usual. I have a little more time to get ready, today i got to sit and eat breakfast and make myself coffee and actually read for a moment. just a pause. it was a delight. my class, adulthood and aging, is becoming fun. Its always 90% discussions, and not theological debates, or philisophical questions, or people competing to look smarter than each other, or to prove how smart they are. but laughing and telling stories, all these people have experiences. all i have is knowledge. its nice to enjoy both aspects. its nice to start feeling in place there. Also, the big perk of mondays, is that Jill doesnt work. So i get to hang out with her. Today we're studying/writing/reading at kade's. This is my new favorite place. Its nice to have found a nice place in a new city. Today i chose to settle into a place that i normally wouldnt sit. typically i like to be secluded off in a corner, away from all the traffic in and out, from the noise and distractions. not in the heart of the coffee shop. but today. I am sitting facing it all. I have a great view of the barista. His hands just seem to dance, so fluid in the practiced movements, they work on their own, he doesnt pause to think, doesnt set anything down. and all the while interacting with each customer, some friends, some new, but its almost hard to tell which is which. everything about him seems natural. you can tell he's been doing this for years, such experience, and almost finesse. its such a joy to watch. i think that i wish my life could be like that, that i could do all the right movements, be a part of this beautiful dance, and not even have to pause to think, to just know how things go. to just do what is right. to just know the next step. but i guess right now. I'm just learning the steps. but all in all. today my heart feels light. i feel more natural and confident than usual. like i just made a breakthrough in learning the song, hearing the beats, making my feet move right. its a good day.

new hat.

how fitting. a new hat, equaled to a new mindset. After long days of being reclusive, feeling sorry for myself, and generally feeling lost i've decided i've had enough. I came to illinois for an adventure. a new chapter. to learn and to grow. not to sit in my apartment and hide, not to be bashful about my intelligence in class, and not be be this young wavering shakey girl. Its time to get assertive, to remember who i am. or perhaps to redefine it. goals need to be set, projects need to be planned, friendships need to be make, books read, and journals need to be extensively written in. I am at a beginning, a crossroads and an end. but whatever i do. and where ever i am. I want to go confidently, do things wholeheartedly and with purpose. It is with this outlook i want to go into the rest of my week and on. so it is with a new hat, a new book, and a new journal i begin again. i sort through the mess, and wind up the ends.